Something has been on my mind lately. One of those things you can’t quiet, not that you’ve tried too hard. Of life and it’s curveballs. The way you plan for one thing and something else falls in its place.
I had never planned on getting married. Never kids. Never roots. No family. No responsibilities. I didn’t want to be in charge of anything’s life save my own. I was scared I would spoil it for someone else. Fuck it up. Ruin them as I was–turn them into me.
But the world is so ugly when you think you are, too. And so I made plans, real plans. Well, real, imagined plans. Plans without fear. No worry of sickness or death, I would do the things no one dared because I had no reason not to. If I died, no big deal. If I lived, so be it. Onto the next thing. I wouldn’t go looking for death, but I wouldn’t cross the street if it approached me on the sidewalk.
Because when your life means nothing to you, you are careless with it. You don’t watch where you walk. You simply try not to offend. My only goal was to inflict the least amount of hurt onto others. I wanted to leave the lightest footprint on the softest of sands.
I never imagined children or a husband or a life. I never dreamed of the family unit. I never allowed myself to. I didn’t think I deserved it.
And now, I have it. I have all the things I never knew I wanted.
And I realize now that they’re exactly what was missing from me. I just didn’t know it yet.