“I need some meaning I can memorize…”

Conor Oberst still understands my emo heart. Even a decade later.

I didn’t dress the part, but I felt the feelings. And sometimes, when I need to remember, I’ll let him serenade me again. When I need to feel what we all try not to. When the days have become the Doldrums. When this planet seems like the tiniest little planet in the universe, and here I am searching for a fox. Or a rose.

You are forever responsible for what you have tamed.

What an idea. What a mind game.

I just threw in two of my most beloved pre-teen heartthrobs for you there. And no, I’m not talking about Elliot Smith, though he did have some dreamily haunting eyes and a heart-wrenchingly poetic pen.

I fell in love with books. With words. And, I still do. Show me a gorgeous sonnet and I’ll be your friend for life. You should have been there the day I discovered Pablo Neruda.

Fireworks, friends. It was like a sob-worthy grand finale. On a ship. And the ship was the Titanic. And I knew I was going down, but I just didn’t care.

That idea now, though, just doesn’t resonate with me the way it did then. Maybe I’ve lost my childhood sparkle. Maybe I’ve aged out of innocence and magic.

We all know I’m a cynic by now, don’t we? So, maybe that’s just sort of encroached into the gray matter and begun building skyscrapers and rooftop gardens.

Maybe.

You are forever responsible for what you have tamed.

What is it I don’t like about this? It’s beautiful.

But…it is crushing in the way most things are when they touch the innocent child world. When you look back on something you once found lovely and perfect and somehow see all the flaws.

When you visit your grandmother’s house 13 years after she died only to see that everything is half the size you remember it…that all the magic there existed only with her. With her gone it’s faded. Only a pretty memory. A child’s handprint in your aged heart.

Tamed. That’s the word that off puts.

As if, the wildness was wrong. As if, it needed changing. As if it wasn’t good enough the way it was.

What a human thing to do.

photo from:  theguardian.com

photo from:  theguardian.com

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