But, I Need It For My Fries

Everything I’ve learned in twenty-five-years can be summed up into one single sentence:

No, I don’t want to listen to you whine.

Ha, not really, I just wanted to say that. And that’s so selfish because I am probably super whiny, so just disregard this rant if you feel that way.

The great and powerful Oz Daniel Tosh once said something like “Every single person should be forced to work in the service industry so they can learn just how unimportant their side of ranch dressing is…”

This can be applied to life in so many ways.

Let me count them.

1. You don’t NEED ranch dressing on anything. If you do, you’re fat, lazy, and spoiled.

2. If you’re demanding some kind of special service that is not essential to your being able to breathe in and out and exist in a non-life-threatening way, then you’re being an asshole and need to rethink your life.

3. If you’re demanding some kind of special service because YOU have worked THAT JOB before and feel somehow privileged, then you’ve forgotten what it’s like and need to be taken down a few notches.

4. There is humor in everything. You just have to figure out where it is. Most of the time it resides in a booger wiggling with each exhale out of someone’s right nostril.

5. If you don’t immediately drop everything when you hear Baby Got Back and begin singing and dancing then I don’t want to know you.

6. This list has become vastly irrelevant. And yet, you’re still reading.

7. Is a number. And it’s PRIME.

8. Gin. Just, Gin. Bombay Saffire to be specific. And olives because, well, dinner.


2 thoughts on “But, I Need It For My Fries

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